I recently moved so I rented the movie Home Alone to get some tips on boobie trapping my place. I can’t afford a high-tech direct link to the police station alarm system but maybe I can rig up a hot tar and feather trap for would be robbers. The crazy thing is, if I’m not home there’s nothing left to take. I take my laptop, wallet and talent with me. (Just wanted to see if you were paying attention 🙂  ) Unless the black market goes gaga over used crock pots. Even my flat screen is the Best Buy brand (open box…Brooklyn, we go hard) And why risk imprisonment when you can go to Ikea and replicate my place on the skinny without a 5-10 stint hanging over your head?

My only worry is that I would rig up some rad traps and forget where the trigger mechanisms are.

ME: Yeah, I can’t make that audition today.

MY AGENT: This is a big audition. I had to beg them to see you.

ME: Sorry, unless they’re cool with me tracking molasses and blood all through their office. I’m gonna have to pass

MY AGENT: If you killed someone, I can’t be your agent anymore…unless you book a sitcom.

I’m going to keep my deterrents simple and controllable. Robbers beware. Now..if I could only ghost proof my place…