Red Carpet

I recently boarded a United Airlines plane in New York. I heard the lady at the gate announce that First and Business Class could board first via the red carpet on the left. Did I hear her right? I went in for a closer look and sure enough there was little red carpet laid down. It was basically like a red throw rug. (a 2ft by 3ft red carpet)

What has the world come to? Do the people in first class really need their ego stroked even as they board ahead of everyone else? I know they pay a lot more and for that they get to sit and gloat with a beverage in hand as the plebs struggle down the aisle only to get crammed in like veal. If someone from coach walks over the red carpet when they board will they get in trouble? What if there’s a gate with no red carpet? Does the flight have to be delayed until United can find a red carpet for the First class folks to walk over Can red rose petals be used as a substitute?; Or maybe the blood from someone sitting in Coach?

GATE LADY: First Class can now board over Phil from Coach’s bloody body. Stay down Phil!

I’m sure most people, including those in First Class, didn’t notice the silly lengths that United went to to make First Class feel…first and Coach feel…last.

Funny thing though. We all landed in Los Angeles just the same. Sure I had a cramp in my neck but I can go get 400 mall massages with the money I saved not flying in first. Maybe that’s the next step…. making people in coach get off the plane a few miles from the airport and walk the tarmac. No carpet of course.

4 thoughts on “Red Carpet

  1. Anon

    At least you were not riding South West Airlines – you know how you like to look all sexy on the plane and my how embarrassing it would have been had you gotten asked to adjusted your clothing so as to not offended and/or intimidate the other passengers.


  2. Spiritual Ninja

    Hey DP, you love your blog posts. I hope to see you next time you come to Austin Texas. Shoot, come close enuf. Houston is close enuf. I will see your act. You are gifted.

  3. me!

    I’m thinking that Spiritual Ninja and I can arrange to spring for dinner at Chuy’s in Austin.

    I’ve never met Spiritual Ninja, but he’s obviously got comedic taste, so he’d no doubt be good company.

    I’m in Dallas, which is only a three-hour drive to Austin.

    So if you can snag the bookings, don’t forget us little people in the flyover states. There’s a good Tex-Mex meal in it for you, I’m pretty sure.

  4. Daria

    Thanks for writing this.

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