CAPTAIN LITERAL

I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)

Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.

KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.

MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.

(A morbid thought indeed.)

How about just saying “Don’t touch it!”?

CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…

Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.

**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force