I just touched down in Portland, OR. I’m told it’s the Hipster capitol of the world. Which makes it oddly fitting that the Portland Trailblazers, long considered the “thugs” of the NBA, play here. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think hipsters love Gangster rap…ironically of course. Other than how they dress and where they hang, I really couldn’t tell you what hipsters are actually about. I think it’s a counter culture thing that now begs for something to counter it.
What I do know is that it’s high time hipsters reveal their methods to staying thin. Whether it’s a hipster diet or workout plan, I call on The Hipsters to let the rest of us in on their Ancient Hipster Secret. I’m leaning toward the answer not lying in the Hipster diet. Most Hipsters I meet seem to be foodies. 7 out of ten times, someone telling me about some killer bread pudding or a donut with bacon on it or cereal with heath bar crumbled on top is a tiny hipster who could save money shopping at the baby gap instead of American Apparel.
However, I also don’t picture hipsters doing intense workouts. A waif-thin guy in skinny jeans doing cross fit? Rope climbing, clean and jerking, sprinting, pushing himself to his physical limits? Maybe but it’s just hard to picture.
Does coolness make food metabolize faster? Maybe disdain for anything “popular” is akin to constant motion. Maybe it’s not fast food but bad sitcoms that make our populous fat. Surely hipsters don’t watch “The World According to Jim.” Or is it pop music that is our undoing. Maybe in the near future you’ll open up a Scientific Journal and see this headline: “Studies reveal lab rats who rock out to Nickleback burn 1/2 the calories of rats who have MGMT and Vampire Weekend on repeat in their Zune players“.
Not all hipsters are thin and if any of my readers are portly hipsters, don’t feel bad. You actually bring a human element to your flannel donning brethren. You serve as proof that Hipsters aren’t aliens living amongst us waiting for the sign from their home planet to pounce.
I’ve been called a hipster but there are too many track jackets in my closet for that label to stick. Also, my TV is pretty much set to ESPN. And lastly, I’ll hit up an IHOP or Denny’s on Sunday morning way before I wait 40 minutes to pay twice as much* at The LA “hot spot.”
This isn’t the first time Hipsters have made their way into my blog:
*the bump in price is usually justified by the presence of sun dried tomatoes, a cheese you can’t get at a deli or anything caramelized.