Dear Coffee Shop,

I’m sorry to send you this by letter but I thought it would be best.  We’ve had really fun times together that I will cherish always.  It’s just that, well, I need more.  It’s over now.  Please don’t try to change my mind. I’ve found something else, an office.  It’s not as spontaneous and funny as you are but I need stability and support now.  The office’s wifi always works and there’s always a place for me to sit.  Office is introducing me to its friends.  They’re all so nice and sophisticated.  Even when I go away, Office has arranged places all over the world for me to sit and work. Office doesn’t play music or have a parade of beautiful women go by but office doesn’t charge me extra for tea either.

Coffee shop, we both know that you’ll never change.  You’ll never really be about grown up business.  Sure you’re good for occasional great conversation and awesome people watching but I need a place where I can mail things and Fedex things and print things out and have meetings.

I think we both know this was going to happen sooner or later.  And I really appreciate all you’ve done for me.  You helped me get out the house when I was watching too much TV.  You helped me write sooo many blogs:

We’ll always have the retired “porn star” contemplating a comeback:

I know you remember the homeless woman who gave me money

And who could forget the barrista who did, ahem, “adult” foam art.

I was doing comedy in a cocktail bar, that much is true.  But even then I knew I needed a more professional work environment, either with or without you, Coffee Shop.    Please don’t be too sad.  You’ll find someone else.  A new comic/writer on the come up who likes your drinks and wants to sit in you and work.  I wish you nothing but the best, Coffee Shop.

I hope that we can still be friends and maybe I can visit you every now and then.  If you’re not okay with that, I totally understand.

Thanks for everything.

Love Always,


(written from the guest business lounge from a London Branch of my office, December ’11)