When Old Men Attack(a very funny blog from Dwayne Perkins)*

Now that I’ve reached Gold status on my Starbucks member card you can pretty much assume any blog entry about a coffee shop happened at a Starbucks.   Apparently my desire to fight the man is neutralized by free refills.  I still hit up mom and pops on the weekends or when I want more than 5 tea flavors to choose from.

So I’m standing by the door, doctoring up my Tazo Chai, when a young girl, drink in hand rushed out at the same time that a senior man walked in.   The girl was the type you see in short workout shorts, booty cutters if you will, even when the weather doesn’t support it.  The kind of girl who’s tanned in the winter and has the sort of voluptuous body that she didn’t get from her mama but from doing power squats.  Not my favorite body type but far from my least favorite.  She probably runs two businesses all while getting her MBA at night and training for a mini triathlon.  Not my favorite personality type but far from my least favorite personality type; Type A, take no prisoners, on to the next.  And oh yeah of course, she wore a baseball cap with her pony tail pulled through the hole in the back.

The man was a guy with a perspective that was forged over time by life’s highs and lows.   The culmination of which left him a tad bit jaded but justifiable so.  He’s lost a few steps but gained the insight that everyone will eventually lose a few steps.

Two bodies can’t occupy the same space at the same time and Miss Alpha didn’t have time to waltz.  She walked thru him and nearly spun him around.  I think being disregarded offended him more than being knocked off balance.  Inside every slow old man is the heart of a young man and the ghost of abilities past.  His eyes showed his incredulous rage.  They screamed, “I’m old but I’m still here!”  When he regained balance he let off a barrage of expletives.  He had choice words for her and for a second I could tell he contemplated going after her.

Now men and women shouldn’t fight for obvious reasons but what’s the call when the man is seventy and the women is 25 and in the best shape of her life?   Could the old man have one good surge of energy left to show Miss Rude some manners or would the girl’s kick boxing class kick in to the tune of flattening the old and the restless?

I wanted to see it not only for entertainment purposes but also because she really made him feel worthless.  Maybe she was simply too distracted or perhaps too focused but I think that’s the point. She was too busy too notice someone who wasn’t particularly good looking or fit or rich but was directly in front of her and thrice her age.  Sometimes it’s not about stopping to smell the roses but stopping to smell the Ben Gay.  People aren’t disposable even though reality TV and Entertainment would have you think otherwise.

After he finished shouting every curse I knew and some I had never heard he of course, started talking to me.  I think my aura must read, “Have ears, will listen.”  And listen I did.  He explained  to me how he despised people who think they’re better.  I took it as code for “I despise people who look past the elderly.”  Then he aired out his bigger problems with women in general.  You can be assured that  any seventy something year old man has been thru it.   He shared with me what felt like all of his past failed relationships.   And the kicker was his buddy, married for 40 years, who came home one day to find his old lady had up and left him and took all his stuff.  I thought that only happened in country western songs.  My old warrior friend had years of penned up aggression exacerbated by the grim reaper’s footsteps.  Miss Alpha may be driven but Mr. Curmudgeon is a corked bottle.  I just hope talking to me for a half hour will prevent him from blowing and I also hope Miss Alpha gets a cramp in her next cross fit class.

*Hot Chocolate Any One? Quick Side Note: My ebook, “Hot Chocolate for the Mind” is up on Amazon.  A collection of my funniest and most touching blogs.

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2 Responses to When Old Men Attack(a very funny blog from Dwayne Perkins)*

  1. me! September 24, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

    It’s time to link back to the Open Letter. We don’t want Dwayne to wind up like this:

    http://dwayneperkins.com/blog/2012/04/02/little-things-mean-a-lot/#comment-4843

  2. Administrator September 28, 2013 at 8:34 am #

    I think the old man may have been a grumpy young man as well. I actually see him regularly now at my caffeine water hole. He’s super pleasant but he also thinks kids shouldn’t be allowed in before 10am or during busy times. At least not on line while people are ordering.

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