Dwayne Perkins from Comedy Central & NBC's Funny Blog. Amusing Musings

I often find myself in commercial auditions where I have to play dad to a small child.  Though I wish I didn’t have to use my good looks to help the man push soap powder I do dig on being a father for a few minutes.  My fake kids are so precocious.

I usually leave my dad auditions feeling like my “son” is going to grow-up and be somebody and it’s all because of me.  And right before I say you’re welcome to the real parents, I’m hit with their reality.  Off to do homework, play soccer, pick up their younger sibling!  Maybe my temp son will grow up and be somebody because of his real parents.  What a novel thought.

Being an acting dad is even better than being a Grand Parent.  I get to help the child adorably say the catch phrase and then give them back to their real parents to do all the real work like dealing with sugar highs. I imagine pretending to be a dad is like pretending to be a priest.  You get why someone would want to do it.  Both probably do wonders for your soul on a good day.  Ultimately though, you’re not really worthy to be a father or a Father unless you’re actually doing it.  Unless you’re dealing with the job at it’s low points, you don’t deserve the glory of the good days.  You get to brag about that perfect spelling test only after you’ve faced bed wetting head on.  Well, not head on but you get my point.

Still my brief encounters with partially reared kids gives me hope.  I’m sure not every adult actor can get a 6 year old to say “uh-oh…mommy’s home!” and hit all his marks.  I’m sure not every non-parent is patient and willing to be upstaged by a child.  And I always show my fake wives the utmost respect while making sure I make their jobs easier by bringing home whatever product we’re auditioning for.  I know they don’t give out Daddy of the year awards for 2 minute stints but if those two minutes are any indicator I just may be honorable mention for World’s Best Dad when and if the time comes.

My other blogs that touch on parenting:

Video Killed the Parenting Star

Please Listen to My Demo (Funny blog from Comedy Central’s and NBC’s Dwayne Perkins)

I Get A Kick Out of You

Where Are They Now

I’ve been going to the movies a lot lately.  I enjoy watching movies on the big screen.  I don’t enjoy paying 15 dollars to do so.  Also, I’m very critical of movies and of any story telling form of entertainment.  I have spoiled many a friend’s movie enjoyment by pointing out something that didn’t make sense.

FRIEND: You’re right why didn’t he just tell her that her father was there?! Damn it, Dwayne!  Now I can’t like the movie anymore.

Writing a movie is hard and I really don’t mean to be a hater.  There is a solution to my madness though.  It’s called the 3 dollar movie theater.  There are two such theaters close to me in Los Angeles.  Paying 3 dollars really calms the critic beast in me.  All of a sudden I don’t mind if the hero’s been shooting for 20 minutes without reloading.  I’m perfectly okay with no one noticing that the bad guy is in disguise and his disguise is literally a pair of black rimmed glasses.  The 2 minute bomb countdown that takes a half hour becomes acceptable.

I’m not sure how $15 dollar movie theaters can still exist when you can wait a month and see the same movie for 3 dollars.  Wait 2 years and see it for free on TBS but that’s another story.   If we waited in droves for the 3 dollar movie, either the 15 dollars guys would have to come down or maybe the 3 dollar guys would go up in price but we’d find a fair level.

You wait 3 years to watch the entire season of a show you like in one sitting.  Why not wait three weeks to see a movie and get refreshments all for less than just the movie would’ve cost three weeks earlier?

I want to restate that my reasons are two fold.  Obviously the savings but also to lower expectations.

DWAYNE:  What did I think of that movie?  You want my 15 dollar review or my 3 dollar review?  For 15 dollars it’s a big thumbs down.  For 3 dollars it’s a must see….a tour de force!

You get what you pay for but sometimes…“that’s what you get for paying.”

Other movie blogs:

Lights, Camera, Action Heroes

Home Alone, Not at Home

I’m on The Case (Funny blog from Comedy Central’s and NBC’s Dwayne Perkins)

Hamlet, Two People

3 Dollar Salt (Funny blog from Comedy Central’s and NBC’s Dwayne Perkins)

It’s always good to be back in New York City.  Even in the grips of a heatwave New York is still one of the coolest places on earth.  New York is cool not because of swank bars, eateries that have all of yelp buzzing or even because of our famous museums.  New York is cool because anything goes.  And not in that “look at me, I’m being different!” kind of way.  It’s not exactly live and let live either.  It’s “we’re all trying to live and are too busy to be overly concerned with any particular person’s crazy.”  Not caring about everyone equally.  To me that’s cool.

How the whole city doesn’t catch pneumonia every summer is beyond me .  The train stations feel like hell’s waiting room and the subway trains like the Iditarod.  The streets are stifling as New Delhi and the Starbucks are Antarctica.  It’s like every New Yorker goes thru Navy Seal training, every summer.

So I was on a downtown 1 train on Manhattan’s west side trying to will my body to not go into shock.  When something distracted me from the 30 degree drop in temperature.  A woman standing next to me holding a cage that housed two turtles.   No one asked why and she didn’t seem too concerned about offering up an explanation.  Not even a non-verbal nod acknowledging that she even had turtles.  If you just saw her face and not the turtles you would’ve thought she had a newspaper in her hand.

Who jumps on the train with turtles in tow?  What’s your mental image of a turtle transporter?  Maybe a comic book head?  Perhaps a lad in middle school?….. Did anyone have 55 year old black church lady?  In New York a black woman who looks like she’s on the deaconess board can carry two turtles on the train without anyone looking twice.

Pretty cool in my book.

Other train stories:

Video Killed the Parenting Star

King of Leon

Balance Is Key

Beg Like there’s No One Watching (Funny blog from Comedy Central’s and NBC’s Dwayne Perkins)

That’s Entertainment

Metro Pimp