3 Dollar Salt (Funny blog from Comedy Central’s and NBC’s Dwayne Perkins)

I recently went to see the movie Salt. The 3 dollar movie theater by my place is a real deal. The hot dogs are $1. If you can wait a month or two after a movie is released to see it, the $3 movie can be a very enjoyable MST (Money Saving Technique.) And get this, the matinées are $2. For 2 bucks the probability of any movie being a major disappointment is all but eradicated. 2 dollars buys you 4 stars in my book.

Now for 2 bucks, Salt was amazing. My 12 dollar movie review would be a smidgen more nit picky. It was a fun movie but Salt’s plot would have to be in Salt water to keep afloat. It’s just incredibly difficult to make high-tech action thrillers given the amount of technology available to the non-spy laymen walking the streets. These movies selectively disregard current technology as needed to keep the hero heroic.

The key is to have someone on the screen so attractive that viewers forget about all the contradictions. Of course I say “go see Salt!”. Angelina Jolie on screen for 2 hours? I can give that a thumbs up without even seeing the movie. If movie producers were forced to put average looking people on screen, their jobs would be a lot lot harder. Don’t believe me.? Just ask English movie producers. I’m kidding England. You know I love your fine ass England!

Back to Angelina….

You could pitch a movie about a woman who desperately wants to eat fried frog legs but can’t find any toads in her sleepy town. She then meets a prince charming, kisses him and he turns into a frog. She’s torn because she loves her prince but really craves fried frog legs. So, out of love for her prince she only eats his arm. Her undying love turns him back into a prince with one arm. It’s cool though because they get to park in handicap spots and his arm never goes to sleep when she sleeps on his chest at night (because he doesn’t have an arm) Of course, she’ll have to get used to the left side of the bed…

And right before they tell you it’s the dumbest thing they ever heard and call security to escort you out, you can mention that Angelina Jolie is attached and they will put the phone down, cut you a check and get the claymation department to start whipping up frog prototypes.

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