CAPTAIN LITERAL

I was on a plane and before take off they said “It’s against federal regulations to tamper with, disable or destroy airplane bathroom fire detectors.” Okay….don’t you have to tamper with something to disable it. Furthermore, if you destroy something it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve also disabled it. (Obi-Wan Kenobi* being the lone exception…”Luke, use the Force”)

Or maybe they’re afraid too many people would use the loophole. Like a mother tells her oldest not to mess with his younger sibling. She returns to find the young child has expired.

KID: You said don’t mess with him… You didn’t say anything about destroying him.

MOM: You got me silly. Now get ready for dinner, we’ll dump your brother later.

(A morbid thought indeed.)

How about just saying “Don’t touch it!”?

CAPTAIN LITERAL: But what about people with telekinesis** ….What if they use gloves or a bat…they could just spit on it or pour a water…that’s not touching…

Captain Literals are tampering with, disabling and destroying America

* Obi-Wan Kenobi: Guy from Star Wars movie who guided Luke Sky Walker even after Darth Vader destroyed him.

**Telekinesis: the power to move something by thinking about it without the application of physical force

2 thoughts on “CAPTAIN LITERAL

  1. Noah Sanders

    That exact line “tampering with, disabling, or destroying lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by federal law.” is outline in the FAA’s Federal Aviation Regulations. So you can blame the goverment for this line.

  2. Nigel

    I saw you bring down the house at EffinFunny show last year. When do you get up to San Fran?

    I’ve been reading your blog at work for the past hour or so and am enjoying it as much as the stand-up. Somewhere around June 06 you started adding footnotes to your blog. But the strange thing is, they seem like straight-up obvious footnotes: Hands Across America, Girl from Ipanema, Definition of Telekinesis?? Who do you think your target audience is? From the EffinFunny show, I got the sense that you’re aiming at educated, somewhat nerdy, 20-39yr olds. Basically folks who get most of your references.

    Now I like a good footnote as much as the next guy, but I’m usually looking for something funny or some new insight. When I scroll down to find the definition of Telekenisis I think you’re either insulting me or targeting your blog at a different audience than I pegged. Not complaining, but I thought I could save you some trouble down the line. I’m reading the blog in chronological order, so maybe it was just a footnote-crazy phase and you’ve stopped it by now.

    And it’s Monday afternoon and there’s not much work here.

    Bottom line, when do you come to the Bay Area?

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